sleeping to dream

sleeping to dream about you
and I'm so tired
of having to live without you
and I'm so tired

It's just a little a lullaby to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night
Oh just a lullabye to keep from crying myself to sleep
Oh just a, just oh, just a little lullabye,

Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
And I'm so tired

Well I'm so, I'm tired
I'm falling, I'm so tired, I'm so tired




lyrics by Jason Mraz

It isn't my problem, or my issue but I feel so crushed. You were out of my life, although I thought about you, you were gone. So you walk back into my life, we are just going to be friends, and I am okay with that. Then you decide to tell me that you have missed me, and that you love me. You tell me that you want a wife and a mom for M and when you think about that, I am always the one who comes to mind.  So after talking you say you want to spend time with me. We make plans, you cancel. We make more plans, you cancel again. You don't make plans with me again.
We keep flirting, invitations go back and forth. Nothing happens. We get together one night. My boys meet you. You kiss me at the end of the night. The next day you ask me to be your date at a movie premiere. I tell you that you would have to pick me up. You tell me you will call me back in a little while and let me know. I never hear back from you.
Now do I have a right to be mad, be bitter? Hell yes. Am I? No. I just let it go, because I love you. Stupid mistake on my part. I just open the door to let you hurt me again. So I just continue to be your friend. Why? Because I told you I would be your friend no matter what. So then you just have to make some sexual comments towards me again. So I say something back to you, and we start talking. I finally bring it up. I tell you how I feel.
I love you, and you admit to love me. I like my life better when you are in it, and vice versa. We like the same things. We make each other smile. My kids like you, and your daughter likes me. We have amazing sex. We are incredibly attracted to each other.
But because you are scared of being hurt again you won't pursue anything with me........

Even though I have never did anything to hurt you. You have continually hurt me, and I stuck around. Looks like I am a complete glutton for punishment. Friends, yes, but my heart is no longer involved.

Dark Side

Dark Side

There's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away

Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond
From black dust
It's hard to know
What can become
If you give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Don't run away
Don't run away
Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Don't run away
Don't run away
Just promise me you will stay
Promise me you will stay

Will you love me? ohh

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Don't run away
Don't run away

Don't run away
Promise you'll stay

Video

~by Kelly Clarkson



I love the words to this song, it speaks to me, as so many of her songs do. 

I don't know how to be anyone other than who I am.... I refuse to change for anyone. I sure as hell am not going to sit around and let anyone treat me badly or make me feel insignificant.

Let me remind those of you who read this of a few things. I am an incredible, intelligent, loving, person. It has taken me a long time to realize and appreciate these things about myself, but I do and I won't let anyone downplay it. I have had friends that don't appreciate my friendship and that turned out to be hurtful and untrustworthy. I have 'partners' that were the same.

Let's talk about my most recent experience. I start talking to a man. He says incredibly beautiful and wonderful things to me. Anything and everything I could ever hope to hear. He seems to be almost a perfect fit. Right off the bat we talk about how important communication is to both of us. We are completely honest about everything. (Or at least I am, I can only be accountable for what I say.) I am enjoying time with him, I am comfortable with him, I feel safe with him. It's been awhile to say the least.

Mistake #1 - He makes plans with me for my birthday and then cancels on me at about 8pm. Too late for me to make other plans. I had my makeup on, nails done, house cleaned, was all pretty, just to see him. I spent the rest of the night crying. The next day was Mother's Day, I didn't get to see my kids. I sat all alone that day as well. (Now he was with his mother, so it was family stuff, and I dropped it.)

Mistake #2 - It is now May 29th, my birthday was May 12th...... he never did anything for my birthday. never brought me a dandelion he picked from the lawn. Never picked up a card at Walmart or the gas station. He is an incredible artist, he could've just drew me a picture. Nothing.

Mistake #3 - He told me on several occasions that he liked to stay in contact and let me know what was going on in his life in the first week and a half. He always said "good night", he always talked to me throughout the day. It has gotten to be less and less. To me that says, you don't think of me that often, you don't want to talk to me, and you just aren't that into me. I don't need constant contact, I am not that needy. But I do like to hear from my guy once in awhile. I like to know that I am on his mind.

Mistake #4 - He decides not to return my phone calls or texts before he leaves out of town for Memorial Day weekend. Then while out of town, he manages to post status messages, and answer what people write on his statuses, but he doesn't write back to me, call me, or text me back. I communicate with him that this is upsetting to me. I still don't hear from him.


I am a grown ass woman. I have 2 children. I have a disease that attacks my body every single fucking day. I have enough problems. I want a partner in my life, someone who will be by my side. Someone who WANTS to be there. Someone who adores me, who can't stand to not talk to me, or not be around me.

I really liked this guy........ I thought he was decent and good................. Actions speak louder than words, and I won't let someone treat me this way. I'm better than that.

......

He came over tonight and it was different. I could feel something from him I didn't like, it overwhelmed my senses. I have been feeling him pulling away.... and when he is there and close and saying beautiful things to me... it's such a contradiction. It hurts, I wish he would just talk - just tell me what's going on.
I burst into tears on his shoulder. I can see whats going on... he is walking away... Just like every other one. He said tonight,  "I promise I will never hurt you." In that one moment I felt safe and secure, but I've already started doubting him. He caused that by the way he has been acting. I've always said actions speak louder than words. He said to me that he was going to come and see me tomorrow, I knew he wasn't. I could feel  it was a lie whether he knew it was or not. I don't know what's going on, but I don't like it.

How does this work....

So everyone says "Don't fall in love too fast. Protect your heart. We don't want to see you get hurt like you have been in the past."

That is a nice thought, but how do you do that? You can be careful in who you date and who you get close to. You can try not to give too much of yourself too quickly. But when you find someone that you absolutely adore, someone that you can tell is a kindred spirit. When you look in their eyes you know that through and through they are a good person.

It's true I haven't been lucky in love in the past 33 years. But how can you find love if you don't take a chance? 

Things are changing...

Things seem to be changing ... finally. At least for now I have been given hope that 'they' are listening to me. I have been at my wits end and I ready to break. I started to wonder how much more I could endure. Disappointments one after the other, after the other. It's been tough. Stress isn't good for my MS, it isn't good for my seizures, it sure as hell isn't good for depression.
I've had a few really good supportive people, who checked in on me, who called just to see how I was.... When your depression is really bad, and everything is overwhelming, that means the world. Anything that reduces just a tiny bit of that stress, helps so much.  .... My Adopted Mom, has helped me so much. I couldn't repay her in a million years. Just with little rides to the grocery store or letting me borrow her car for a few hours. Bawling out the Hopkins Jeep Dealership for screwing with me..... My Dad has ran across the cities for me for little tiny things so many times in the last 7 and a half weeks.. plus borrowed me a bit of money........My dear sweet friend Maz who has listened to me so many times, day in and day out, talking about everything. I don't know what I would do without her....Kim, Crys, Emily, Rob, you were always there anytime I needed to talk. Thanks.   Well and of course my Superhero Tim who contacted The 30 Days Foundation who helped me get the cylinder head for my Jeep. And Ian my adorable mechanic who has spent so much time working on my car.  

It's not just my car.. although that working again, makes a big difference. Things are changing, and for the better. At least the bad things are becoming a bit more manageable.

Today's Lesson is...

Today's lesson is you can't always trust the people you think you can. Now this is a lesson I have had pounded into my head over and over and over again lately. ***Thank you powers that be, I think I have gotten the point now!***
Two weeks ago a certain ex-boyfriend of mine told me that he would deposit $40.00 into my account the following day. So I wrote a check for some car parts that I needed to fix my Jeep, knowing that it would take a few days for the check to go through. The next day my life was complete chaos, so stressful I ended up having a seizure. So the following day after that I woke up and thought, "oh shit, I wonder if he deposited the money." I contacted him and he started getting crabby with me. He said "I was busy with my girlfriend!" WOW okay! Now this is the girlfriend he broke up with not even a month earlier for treating him like absolute dogshit. While he was dating her before, he decided he would be shitty to me too. I don't put up with that. So we didn't talk for months. So this time I gave him a couple days to cool down, then I talked to him, he had calmed down, all was good. Oh but by this time my account had overdrafted. With all that is going on, my Jeep being broke down, I don't need this crap. Fine whatever. I let it go.

So last night we are texting, very seriously about this woman and the crap she pulled. He says to me "everyone lies." I said, "I don't." He said, "I know, you are horrible at it, you can't lie to save your life."
Now this man tells me that I can depend on him for anything. So I call him today and ask him if he can drive me to Oronoco to pick up the cylinder head for my Jeep. He says sure. So to make life easier I ride with my dad to Saint Paul, so that he can just pick me up there and we can drive straight down there. (He lives in New Richmond, WI) I get all the way to my dad's house and he calls me and says, "Andy, I took a shower and I called my g-friend. She isn't happy about this." I said "well bring her with" He said, "well I can't but please understand the situation, she doesn't know you, and we have a history. (16 years ago) I don't want to make her uncomfortable." I said "are you serious? I rode all the way to my dad's house and you are backing out on me because of your jealous g-friend?" He went on and on. I ended up going off on him and raising my voice, which I DONT like doing EVER, and I swore in front of my father, which I felt even worse for. I said FUCK YOU into the phone. Which brought instant tears into my eyes. I realized I just swore in front of my dad (he is a Jehovah's Witness and I try to be a good girl in front of him out of respect) and on top of it I was just let down again by someone I thought I could trust.
I got off the phone crying and apologized profusely to my dad. Of course he said it was okay, he knows I am severely overstressed and that obviously someone had hurt me very badly. He knows that I'm not a little angel and he really can't stand to see me hurting.
I wrote a text message to my ex-bf and said "Fuck you. I hope you are happy with your jealous little gf. Stay out of my life. You just lost a friend of 17 years, sure hope she is worth it." I really will not talk to him again, this was so hurtful and mean. 

Luckily some wonderful things happened not to long after that. Proved to me that there are some wonderful people left in this world. I need a reminder once awhile.

Tomorrow I need to find a ride to pick up my cylinder head in Saint Paul. I called and they drove it up to a car part place up here. Lucky lucky me!!! I need to run a few errands as well. Hopefully I can talk one of my darling friends into helping me out. Soon I will have my Jeep back. YAY!

I am thankful for the wonderful friends I have in my life. I am very thankful for my dad. And once again ***To the powers that be... I have gotten the point, no need to pound it into my head any further***

wow.. just wow.

So Sunday morning the mechanic who was was working on my car came to my house drunk. Started hitting on me and wouldn't stop. I asked him to leave, he wouldn't. He went out to my car, continued to drink and passed out next to it. The cops picked him up next to it. Needless to say, I no longer have a mechanic. So the job is halfway done now. And it's just sitting.

Tuesday, my dad calls me and tell me that my Great Aunt Rosie died. I loved her so much. She was the sweetest woman. She reminded me so much of grandma. It amazes me how much I remember my grandma when she died of cancer when I was 6 years old. I thought she was the most magnificent woman though. I haven't seen my Great Aunt Rosie in years, she lived all the way up in Int'll Falls. I don't make it up there very often anymore.

I had someone who was incredibly important in my life let me down a lot. Massively messed up my financial situation, even more so than it already is. Somehow it has gotten blamed on me. I'm guess I'm too emotional right now, or too needy.
Then I had another person who was a so-called friend tell me they would come over and help me get my car back together and working. Then the next day decided they had better things to do. Don't tell me one thing and do another. As far as I am concerned that makes you a liar. I don't associate with liars.

I got so discouraged I had to make a list of things I was grateful for. I need to remember the things that I am grateful for in this life. Although things are bad, they could always be worse.

I am so grateful to have two wonderful, handsome, intelligent children who have filled my heart with laughter and love.

I am grateful for my dad, he is a fantastic, smart man who has taught me so many lessons in life.

I am grateful for my true and close friends. You are few and far between and I treasure you.

I am grateful for my cats, they are my constant companions. (As I write this, Isis is cuddled up with me purring)

I am grateful to my ex's and lost friendships, for the lessons that you have taught me. Although you may have hurt me along the way, and perhaps even broke my heart you made me the strong individual I am now. I am proud to be that person.

I am grateful to have a roof over my head every single month, even if I don't have money for anything else after I pay my bills.

I am grateful that I have the strength to walk without a cane again. It was a rough road for a long time. It was humiliating for me, and it was scary. I know that one day it may happen again, but I am so happy for this time without it.

Better to give than to receive

I get to the point in my life where I lose all faith in people. Then suddenly someone surprises me. It’s been almost a month since my Jeep broke down. I have had some wonderful friends who have ran me on errands and one friend who borrowed me his minivan, another who borrowed me her car. I had a friend that I hadn’t seen since high school come out with his friend and diagnose my car. Some friends really did all that they could for me, some friends just listened to me rant or cry, that’s all they could offer. I am okay with that, sometimes that is all you can offer a person.

Last week I was contacted by a man I had never met before from my posting on Craig’s List. A gentleman in his late 50’s, he has been working on cars his whole life. He is in the process of fighting for disability, and believes in doing good deeds for others in need. He told me that he isn’t that fastest at getting it done but he will get it done and it will be done right. I asked what he wanted for payment. He said if you can give me a bit of cash I would appreciate it, but I know things are tight for you. So please don’t if it makes anything difficult. What a nice man. So as of Thursday he started working on my Jeep.

Now I asked one friend if I could borrow his tools, just to make sure we had everything and I didn’t have to go buy anything.(tools aren’t cheap) But he wasn’t going to be coming back down to the Hopkins area from Maple Grove so he didn’t do it. So then I asked another friend if I could borrow tools from him but he is working god awful hours at work so he couldn’t do it either. So yesterday I spent the last $20.00 I had to live off of for the rest of April to buy the tools that were needed for my Jeep. I come home to find out that we need a couple more tools and screws. UGH!! Something in the universe smiled at me and I sold a table. I was able to pay for the screws that were needed. But I need a torque wrench. I went to Oreilly’s. I was going to rent one. They want a check card for deposit. Ok, no problem. It holds $85.00 on your account. PROBLEM… I don’t have $85.00 in my account for them to hold, therefore, can’t do that.

So today my mechanic thought he was going to be able to finish my Jeep before the thunderstorms rolled in for the weekend, since all of the work is being done outside in my parking lot. But because I couldn’t get a simple torque wrench, couldn’t do it. Oh well, just a few more days without a car.

As of tomorrow it will be a month since my Jeep broke down. A month I have been without a car. I am working my ass off this weekend, so that I can pay this mechanic as much as I possibly can. I would give him more than I would give a shop, just because he is doing this out of the goodness of his heart. Unselfish acts. It amazes me how many people don’t know what this is anymore. My dad always told me it’s better to give than to receive. I have always believed that to be true. I love giving people things. Attention, love, gifts, help, anything..

I cried out for help on more than one occasion, for those of you who call yourself my friends where were you? That’s not what friends do for one another, they don't just ignore cries for help. If you aren’t really my friend, then why are you reading this? Why do I have a stranger doing more for me than my close friends? Makes me so incredibly sad.

Little Miss Independent speaks up

Here I am little miss independent, totally screwed once again. I don't do things small, I do things on a grand scale. My Jeep breaks down. Now usually I don't travel more than a few miles from home. But this would be the one time I am going to drive a considerable amount. Why?... to fix my Jeep, cause it was having problems.

So it breaks down 70 miles from home, which sends me into a MS flare up. WOOHOO!! Is it something simple. NOOO! 3 weeks later, countless people offering to help, and not being able to, or just leaving me hanging, I still have no vehicle.

So my MS flare continues and just keeps getting worse. Now I am getting migraines every single day, which are incredibly fun. When I ate dinner tonight, it just came right back up. I am in way too much pain to even try to get food down. But I managed to smile all weekend long and try to have a great time with my kids. :D Thank gawd for years of drama classes.

Thankfully a friend came out with his friend yesterday and I managed to get a final diagnosis as to what is wrong with my Jeep. The ignition pulley screw had snapped in half. We are talking about a screw that is like 5 to 6 inches in length. SNAPPED! So tomorrow, I will walk my happy ass to the Jeep dealership and ask them to order the screw and hope like hell it won't take forever and a day.
***** But wait there's more, yep, my head gasket is blown. So I need to have that done. Now tomorrow I will go pick up the parts and I will have everything that is needed to do the job. ***Step 1 accomplished***

Now I have to find that wonderful mechanic that will do the work for me. I have posted one ad on Craig's List offering to barter with my furniture/refinishing services. (I do have a coffee table worth $3k sitting here.) I will post another one tomorrow and see what it brings.

If I can't find a mechanic willing to barter, then I need to work my ass off, and come up with money so that I can have the work done. Luckily there are mobile mechanics that guarantee their work, and with the economy being slow, the prices aren't horrific.

I have to say this little miss independent is tired of doing things on her own. I have always did it on my own. Everyone has encouraged me, told me to stop being stubborn and ask for help when I needed it and I couldn't handle it anymore..... Hasn't done me any good at all. Here I am, sick as hell, I'm tired of playing the "I'm positive about life and its all gonna be okay" game. I can't go to the doctor, the dentist, the grocery store (not that it matters, I can't eat), can't get my cat's food, can't go get my kids. I can't walk to the bus stop..... my legs don't always let me go that far, thus the reason, I have handicapped parking.

I am disappointed in people. I am disappointed in myself.






(yes I have had some help, and thank you to those who have stepped up and done what they could, it is very very much appreciated, sometimes a drive to the store is all you can offer, but it helps me so much you don't even know)

My Wish

I wish I may I wish I might have this wish I wish tonight........

I've been a good girl. I've loved with all of my heart. I am an honest person, I'm giving, I try to do what's right, I try to stay positive admit adversity that comes into my life (that's a hard one sometimes). I admit to my mistakes, and I apologize for them. I try hard to forgive others when they make mistakes, even though I am not stupid enough to forget.

I want someone in my life who will adore me, completely. Someone who comes home from work and is totally happy with the fact that I am there. Every other little thing is a bonus. I made dinner, fantastic. The house is clean, wow. I went and got groceries too.... hon you shouldn't push yourself, but I'm happy you have energy today. The days that they come home to me on the couch sleeping and I haven't moved and nothing has been done... They make sure that I have eaten something. They understand its not something that I can help, and if I could, I would be up and moving. I need someone who is willing to protect me as well. I am not always strong enough to do it and it would be nice to have someone do it for once.

I want someone who accepts me just as I am. Not someone who thinks, well she would be better if she would just stop smoking...... Or if she would loose 20 pounds..... NO, this is how I am. If you love me, then you love me just like I am. Sassy, bat shit crazy at times, emotional, HUGE animal lover, someone who wears their heart on their sleeve, loves with all of their heart, and gets hurt way too often, independent, stubborn, and so many other things.

Of course all the other wonderful characteristics too. Honesty, communication, ability to love others, a sex drive that can keep up with mine, and obviously there needs to be a physical attraction between us....... It's the things I mentioned earlier that I seem to have the big problem finding.

So once again....... I wish I may I wish I might have this wish I wish tonight.......

love love blah blah love

Friends keep asking me if I would I like to meet someone fall in love?

Silly question of course I would.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am a hopeless romantic. Its all about the little things. If you don't know what that means, well.... I'm sorry.

My health has been so out of control over the past 8 years. I would like to say 3 years since I got diagnosed but the truth is that I have been so sick for so long and I just didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. I was so exhausted all the time. My immune system has always been absolute crap. If someone has something within 1 mile of me, I'm gonna catch it, and I can guarantee I am gonna get the worst strain of it. Now I am so tired it's just ridiculous. I can barely function some days. Being awake and breathing is exhausting to me. Sometimes I really think this is a sad existence.

The only thing that kept me wanting to continue on in this life was missing for 3 years. My kids. I wanted to die on so many occasions. I wanted to give up. They are the only thing that has kept me going. The "powers that be" must have given them to me to keep me going. So happy that they came back to me last September, I don't know that I could've handled much more time without them. Every time they leave to go back to their dad's house my heart just breaks. I can't stand having them away at all.

At the same time I hate having them see me sick. I hate that I can't be the mom that I should be. I can't work hard to make money to give them the things that they should get and the things they deserve to have, or take them the places they should get to go see. They have seen me have seizures, and no kid should have to see that. My youngest tells me that he is going to be a police officer and he is going to take care of me forever. He's 10 years old. I wish he wasn't thinking about the fact that his mom needs someone to take care of her. I am so lucky to have kids that love me that much.

I have drifted off the main subject. Many people have asked me if I will ever really open up to anyone in a relationship. If I will let someone in, trust them (there's a whole 'nother issue), let them stick around. Let me put it this way... I watched a man I was in love with die. It's not something I will ever forget. It broke me. It still hurts me, I miss him every single day.

It's bad enough that my kids, and few close friends are going to end up seeing me go through this. Why would I want to put someone else through that torture? If that person would have the chance of loving someone else, having a family, being with someone who is healthy and can do everything.... then as a good person I should step aside.

Believe me, I have heard the.. "everyone dies", or "things can change with your disease", "you never know what the future holds" etc, etc. I'll tell ya what. You don't know what it's like to live in my body. You have no idea the amount of pain I am in on a daily basis, the pain that I push through and ignore. I am so good at smiling, laughing, joking around, and acting like nothing is bothering me in the slightest when people are around.
I sit on my couch and tell myself "get up and work on the piece of furniture" but I am in SO much pain, or I am so exhausted, I just can't do it. I feel like the laziest person on the face of this planet. (I used to work 80 to 90 hour work weeks) I sat on the couch today and just sobbed because I hurt so bad, I couldn't get up and work on the piece of furniture that I needed to get done for a friend. Here I am at 3:30 in the morning taking a quick break from working on that furniture. Pushing myself to do something because I'm awake so I should try, right?!? I will be paying for it all weekend. Oh well.

Once again, why would I want to subject anyone to what I go through. In the past 3 years I have dated a few people..... no one can handle my MS. They say they can, but when the chips are really down, when I'm in real pain and I need someone, they freak, or they aren't there. Anyone who also knows me well knows that it takes a lot for me to swallow my pride and ask for help. It is something that I have been learning to do over the past few years. I don't like doing it, but I have realized there are times in my life now when I have absolutely no choice in the matter. I have to ask. If I ask you for your help with something simple and you can't seem to do it. It's a surefire sign to me that you can't handle my MS. (example: you express interest in me and vice versa. I ask you to please come over and spend time with me because I am in pain and having a hard day. ((I understand real reasons)) you don't do it and/or leave me hanging, thinking its not a big deal.) If I managed to actually swallow my pride and ask for help, then I really need it.

If I am going to be with someone they are going to have to be my rock. They need to be strong, because as strong as I am spiritually, my body is giving out on me, and it hurts. I need someone who will be there for the long haul, and knows that this isn't going to be a pretty road at times. But you do get the wonderfulness of being with me. Tada! Hell, it's not like I don't have anything to offer. I am pretty fun to be around most of the time... just ask my kids.

I guess when I find that person and they show me what I need to see to open up and trust, then I will know. Otherwise it's me and my boys. And I'm really, really okay with that.

Feb 14th

*scowl* I don't like this day.

Would you like the long drawn out history? If you are reading this you are getting it. As a child I never got to celebrate it. My parents were Jehovah's Witnesses. In fact my mom tried to make it easier on me by taking me out of elementary school because they would have all day parties. But I would come back the next day and I would have thirty-some Valentines Day cards that I got to bring home and then put in the garbage. How fun as a child huh??

Then my first love comes along, and on V-day I find out he is cheating on me. Let's talk about really really putting a bad spin on a holiday........... it has always went badly..... Arguments........ Plans ruined........ Found out my exhusband was cheating on me on V-day as well.

For some reason there is never a man or woman in my life that can actually make it a decent day. It wouldn't take a whole lot. Show up at the house with rented movies, take out food, Pepsi, and just sit and cuddle and be close. Really... its that easy.

I have just come to realize that it is much easier for me to stay with my cats in the house and away from human contact so that bad things don't happen. Just for one day. For some reason 'the powers that be' have decided that V-day is should celebrate being alone. So tomorrow that's the plan.

I hope that all of you that are in love have a wonderful day making each other happy and celebrating your love.

what a mess

Am I a sensitive person? You are damn right I am. Do I wear my heart on my sleeve? You better believe I do. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a hundred times, if you are in my life then I care about you. I will do almost anything for the people I care about. The very important lesson I have learned over the years is that I absolutely will not sacrifice my health for others. Therefore if you are causing or creating drama/sadness, anxiety I can only deal with so much before I will just throw my hands up in the air and walk away. I have my own to deal with, and my body doesn’t handle it well at all. My Multiple Sclerosis flares up, and I have seizures, and I don’t need that from other peoples problems.

Maybe all of you should have a reminder of what they put me through. This is who some of you were hanging out with all day long. This is why I left the party.

---------------------------------------

broken

by Andrea Bunny Howe on Friday, November 6, 2009 at 12:22am

I keep opening my heart up to people. Only to have them hurt me. I am so tired of it. She claimed to be my best friend, that she was my sister. I shared so much with her, things I hadn't told anyone. We spent everyday together, running errands, laughing, watching stupid shows, etc. I would encourage her when things were down in her life, and she was there for me when I wasn't feeling well.

A few weeks before he came home everything changed. Her life revolved only him, what he was going to want to eat, cleaning every single bit of the house for him, etc etc etc. She was on edge and arguing with me over anything. My pain level had been through the roof so I was just trying to stay out of her way. I figured when he finally came home she would be so much better. I was so wrong.

She couldn't do anything without him. We weren't friends anymore. She didn't want to talk to me, spend time with me. All day long she would sulk and be in a bad mood, until he came home and then she would jump into this happy mood cause he was there. Really hard to deal with. I just did my own thing and figured it would pass.

Then one day in the kitchen I walk up beside her while she is making waffles to refill my coffee. She slams into me. I laugh a little and say "well excuse you" in a smart ass funny tone. She starts screaming at me, "well if you weren't so fucking rude and in the way all the time. You know you could say excuse me." I said, " you weren't standing where I was, why do I need to say excuse me I just wanted to get a cup of coffee? This kitchen isn't that big." She still yelling, " it's not just this time, its all the time, you are always rude." I said, " oh yeah, and you never get in the way, and you always say excuse me?!?! bullshit." She said "yes I do" I said, "ohhh ok, yea you are right Im wrong as usual." She said, " that's it. this conversation is over, just go to your room." I said "Of course. Can't handle the discussion so it's over. You have to scream, and then say its over. Like I said you are right and I am wrong as always." She screamed at the top of her lungs, " that's right! I'm right and I always will be cause this is my fucking house!!" I went in my room and cried for about 2 hours before I left to stay at a friends house for the day to get away from it. She didn't talk to me for days.

She started talking to me again but barely. All the while I was quietly looking for some place else to live because I at this point don't trust her any further than I can throw her. I decided that my best bet is to make myself scarse. So I spend a lot of time with my mom, and with friends, and anyone else I can so that I am not around. I wasn't eating dinner with the family or anything. So she asked me one night if I would like to eat dinner with everyone. I said yes. So I came out, ate dinner and when we were all done I got up and started to do all the dishes. In the snottiest voice you could ever imagine she said, "oh you mean for the first time in forever I don't have to do the dishes, it is a miracle." I turned around and looked at her with a puzzled look. I said, " You have got to be kidding, I do my dishes and I haven't been eating with you lately, and I clean around here all the time. " She goes, " HA! You haven't done anything around here since Mike came home. But I am not gonna fight with you." Then she stomped off to her bedroom. I was steaming and did all the dishes. Anyone who knows me, knows anything about me knows that I clean. Knows that I am OCD about cleaning. And unless I am sick I am going to be taking care of the house. I will admit that I have given up to a certain extent around here because the two of them are such filthy pigs that I cant keep up with the mess they make. But when I feel good I still try to make this place look presentable.

So when I got done with the dishes I had a little talk with him. I asked him what I did wrong, he said nothing. I asked him if he wanted me to move out, he said no. I asked him what was going on with her, he said he didn't know. We talked for awhile and he said he would talk with her.

So I waited for things to start getting better, hoped. I came home to my cat, Isis being locked in my room. The first time I asked and she said, let me get him, he told me that she was on the counter trying to get into the pumpkin bars so he had gotten after her and shut her in the bedroom. Okay. Well then I came home and she was locked up again. And then it happened again and again. I called her brother who is a good friend of mine asked him if he knew what was going on. He told me that she said she was upset about Isis getting on the counters and that's why she wasn't talking to me. She also thought that I had cast some sort of spell on her (because I am Wiccan). She was also really upset that I had a guy over to the house on a few different occasions recently that she didn't know. WTF?????

So tonight I tried to calmly talk to her about this stuff. I started by saying. "Before I moved in I let you know that Isis jumps on the counters. You told me that you didn't like that. I told you that we could use a spray bottle with water to get her off of them if it bothered you. You agreed that would be okay." She instantly went on the defense and started raising her voice. "It doesn't work when I use a water bottle. So she is gonna get locked up in your room." I said " you mean she doesn't get off the counter, I know that isn't true, cause as soon as she even sees the water bottle she runs." She said " No she keeps getting up there." I said " well I can't help that" She said " well if she is on the counter she is gonna get locked in your room." I said "okay then everytime you aren't home I am gonna let your dogs out to let them run around and piss and shit all over the house." She then came out with a piece of paper and said on or before noon on November 30th her and him want me out of the apartment.

These are the two people who promised me that they would take care of me for the rest of the years that I have to live. I looked at him and said "what exactly have I done wrong?? tell me?" He just sat there. Obviously you can tell who wears the pants in the family. She told me that none of our mutual friends like me anymore, they can see me for who I really am. (So if any of you feel that way, feel free to say how you feel or remove yourself from my friends list. Since you all know who I am talking about.)

She knows that I have stress related seizures and that I have been diagnosed with Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. Yet, she screams at me, and causes me a ton of stress. So far I havent had any seizures this week but the migraines have already started. I didn't leave an abusive relationship to come here thinking I was going to be safe to have her be verbally abusive to me.

I know that it is hard when friends live together. I know that she has stress in her life, and that she is just taking it out on me. It's not a good enough excuse. I'm not perfect, I am sure I have made mistakes, but I am and was always willing to take the blame make my amends and try to fix the problems, its all about communication and acting like an adult. She couldn't do that.

Now I just feel like it's more people who have let me down, more people I can't trust, more people who have broke my heart. I'm so tired of all of this.

Broken Part 2

by Andrea Bunny Howe on Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 3:28pm

Well very soon after I finished writing the first part of this, things got worse. Didn't think they could, but they did. She decided that everything that was in the living room needed to be put in my room immediately. I asked her to stop touching my stuff. She wouldn't listen. We are talking expensive one of kind numbered artwork. Then she brought in the scratching post, the small one that her dog continually pissed on, because he wanted to mark his territory. (another $30 down the drain.) I said " I don't want that in my room, your dog has pissed all over it, I'm not even gonna keep it, it can just stay out there until I move. " She screams " NO IT CAN"T, everything is going in your room!" I said, "the living room, dining room, and kitchen is a common living area, and until I move out at the end of the month my stuff can be out here." She screamed again, "no it can't!" I said "okay then his stuff needs to be out of my room then." Well that infuriated her, she screamed more about other things. I went to move the scratching post back out of my room and she pushed me. I fell over, onto the baby gate that kept the dogs from getting into my room which collapsed underneath me, scraped the skin off of my knee. Then I had to get back up. With my MS and no feeling in my left leg that is no small feat. She of course scampered off to her room. I went into my room shaking and crying. I called my mom, who told me to call the police.

The police came, she of course denied the whole thing, which is what I am sure she is doing with everyone. The cops showed up talked to me, talked to her. They asked her to leave the house so that I could pack and move immediately and she said she couldn't because she had to get ready for work. The cops asked if I would be the "bigger person" and leave for a few hours so she could ready and then come back and pack. I agreed. I picked up a few things in my room and left. They said it was a she said, she said situation. But it was very apparent that she had done something wrong by all the small talk she was doing and the "oh my fiance is in air force and just got back from Qatar" crap she was trying to impress them with. They said they have seen it a hundred times. Mom and I waited outside for the cops to come back out, they told us that my name would be off the lease the next day, and I could get all my stuff out that night and then be done with it.

Luckily a few very sweet friends came and helped me out that night and we got it all done in a few very short hours. So my life is all in a storage unit and in my car. Isis is now staying in a foster home with some dear friends who are taking care of her until I can find a permanent home.

What I don't understand is.. how much do you have to hate someone to throw them out into the street knowing that they are disabled, have no money, and have no where to go? I could understand saying.. "I don't think things are working out... so we would like you to look for a new place to live.. as soon as you do.. we would like you to move.. ok?" But to throw a friend who you know you have tons of mutual friends with, that you know your kids love, that you know you are going to have to see over and over again out into the street?

Doesn't it make you wonder what I could have possibly done? Well read the previous note I posted... supposedly I was confrontational and that was the biggest problem. All I know is that in the last 2 months we barely spoke to each other, so how I was confrontational is beyond me.

I know I'm not perfect. I am probably not the easiest person in the world to live with. I have my faults like everyone else. But the one thing I pride myself on is communication. If something is bothering me I really try to think about it, and then calmly sit down and talk about it with the person. It has taken me a long time to get to that point in my life where I can do that. I used to be scared to confront people. Always scared that they would yell at me, or hit me, or not believe what I was saying, or discredit my feelings. I tried talking to her, over and over and over again. I even tried talking to him, hoping that he could talk to her. Nothing worked. I talked to my therapist on Monday, told him the whole situation. He said that even though I don't have a place to live right now, and that I am couch jumping at my friends houses, he is really happy for me. He thinks it was a very unhealthy environment for me to be in. I think he is right. Even though I have been extremely stressed out. I have been happier and laughed and slept better in the past 5 days then I have in months. Maybe it is better that I left. I am sure she is happier, for now, until something else gets under her skin.

I am grateful that they took me in during a time that I needed them. I am grateful that she was there for me when I needed her. I tried my best to be a very good friend to her as well when she needed me through some very tough times.

____________________________________________

Those are old blogs. I’m sure some of you remember, some of you may not. Either way, it broke my heart, I felt horribly betrayed by people I thought were my friends and my family. I thought I could trust them. Then on top of it she decided to run around and tell people lies about me. She told people that Brian never did any of the things I said he did. She told lies to my next housemate Dani, and it enraged Dani and made her distrust me. She told people lies about the situation with my children.

Now I know that we all like to be friendly and like “everyone”. Believe me, I can play nice with people I don’t care for at places. It happens all the time, we all do it. But I will NOT go somewhere - if she will be there. It causes me too much stress. Do I seem like the kind of person that needs to have another seizure or flare-up? It’s okay, you can all have your fun doing whatever you want, where ever you want, but I don’t need that. I would NOT have showed up but I was blocked by her on Facebook and therefore couldn't see that she had rsvp'd.

So I wasted my time getting extra sleep last night, doing my hair, my makeup, making something to bring for everyone to eat, putting gas in my car, etc, etc. Have I mentioned I have no extra energy ever? And I after I pay my bills I live off of $80 every month? That would be why you don't see me out doing anything ever, I either feel like shit, or I don't have the money to do it.

I do have a question though. …….. Why? …….. If you are my friend and you care about me, why do you want to be friends with her or her fiancé? Why would you choose to even associate with her when you know she has done this to me? Do you not believe me. Would you like me to give you the police officers numbers from back then? Or would you like to call my mom? Or I could show you the scar on my knee from when she shoved me down that day. It’s still there.

Your choice, your life. I'm tired of this shit.

If one of my kids friends pulled some bullshit like this I would never let them hang out with that kid ever again. How about you?

exhausted and still awake

January 16, 2012 at 2:20am ·

2 am Monday morning..It's amazing I am still awake... It has been an exhausting weekend. I had 2 seizures within 12 hours of each other on Sunday, not to mention the numerous times I was throwing up from the pain. I am in a complete MS flare, which either started from the weather or the stress, or just went hand in hand.

About 20 minutes ago I literally didn't have the strength to get off the couch to go to the bathroom. I had to crawl. I really hate it when it gets this bad. Gonna call into the doctor tomorrow, but there really isn't anything they can do but document the fact that I am going into another really bad flare up. Steroids do nothing but make me violently ill. Days like this seem hopeless, and worthless for that matter.

I better sleep before I get anymore negative..... Gawd knows I'm not normally this bad. I'm gonna grab a cat to snuggle with and hope for pain free sleep, at least for an hour or two.