love love blah blah love

Friends keep asking me if I would I like to meet someone fall in love?

Silly question of course I would.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am a hopeless romantic. Its all about the little things. If you don't know what that means, well.... I'm sorry.

My health has been so out of control over the past 8 years. I would like to say 3 years since I got diagnosed but the truth is that I have been so sick for so long and I just didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. I was so exhausted all the time. My immune system has always been absolute crap. If someone has something within 1 mile of me, I'm gonna catch it, and I can guarantee I am gonna get the worst strain of it. Now I am so tired it's just ridiculous. I can barely function some days. Being awake and breathing is exhausting to me. Sometimes I really think this is a sad existence.

The only thing that kept me wanting to continue on in this life was missing for 3 years. My kids. I wanted to die on so many occasions. I wanted to give up. They are the only thing that has kept me going. The "powers that be" must have given them to me to keep me going. So happy that they came back to me last September, I don't know that I could've handled much more time without them. Every time they leave to go back to their dad's house my heart just breaks. I can't stand having them away at all.

At the same time I hate having them see me sick. I hate that I can't be the mom that I should be. I can't work hard to make money to give them the things that they should get and the things they deserve to have, or take them the places they should get to go see. They have seen me have seizures, and no kid should have to see that. My youngest tells me that he is going to be a police officer and he is going to take care of me forever. He's 10 years old. I wish he wasn't thinking about the fact that his mom needs someone to take care of her. I am so lucky to have kids that love me that much.

I have drifted off the main subject. Many people have asked me if I will ever really open up to anyone in a relationship. If I will let someone in, trust them (there's a whole 'nother issue), let them stick around. Let me put it this way... I watched a man I was in love with die. It's not something I will ever forget. It broke me. It still hurts me, I miss him every single day.

It's bad enough that my kids, and few close friends are going to end up seeing me go through this. Why would I want to put someone else through that torture? If that person would have the chance of loving someone else, having a family, being with someone who is healthy and can do everything.... then as a good person I should step aside.

Believe me, I have heard the.. "everyone dies", or "things can change with your disease", "you never know what the future holds" etc, etc. I'll tell ya what. You don't know what it's like to live in my body. You have no idea the amount of pain I am in on a daily basis, the pain that I push through and ignore. I am so good at smiling, laughing, joking around, and acting like nothing is bothering me in the slightest when people are around.
I sit on my couch and tell myself "get up and work on the piece of furniture" but I am in SO much pain, or I am so exhausted, I just can't do it. I feel like the laziest person on the face of this planet. (I used to work 80 to 90 hour work weeks) I sat on the couch today and just sobbed because I hurt so bad, I couldn't get up and work on the piece of furniture that I needed to get done for a friend. Here I am at 3:30 in the morning taking a quick break from working on that furniture. Pushing myself to do something because I'm awake so I should try, right?!? I will be paying for it all weekend. Oh well.

Once again, why would I want to subject anyone to what I go through. In the past 3 years I have dated a few people..... no one can handle my MS. They say they can, but when the chips are really down, when I'm in real pain and I need someone, they freak, or they aren't there. Anyone who also knows me well knows that it takes a lot for me to swallow my pride and ask for help. It is something that I have been learning to do over the past few years. I don't like doing it, but I have realized there are times in my life now when I have absolutely no choice in the matter. I have to ask. If I ask you for your help with something simple and you can't seem to do it. It's a surefire sign to me that you can't handle my MS. (example: you express interest in me and vice versa. I ask you to please come over and spend time with me because I am in pain and having a hard day. ((I understand real reasons)) you don't do it and/or leave me hanging, thinking its not a big deal.) If I managed to actually swallow my pride and ask for help, then I really need it.

If I am going to be with someone they are going to have to be my rock. They need to be strong, because as strong as I am spiritually, my body is giving out on me, and it hurts. I need someone who will be there for the long haul, and knows that this isn't going to be a pretty road at times. But you do get the wonderfulness of being with me. Tada! Hell, it's not like I don't have anything to offer. I am pretty fun to be around most of the time... just ask my kids.

I guess when I find that person and they show me what I need to see to open up and trust, then I will know. Otherwise it's me and my boys. And I'm really, really okay with that.