love love blah blah love

Friends keep asking me if I would I like to meet someone fall in love?

Silly question of course I would.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am a hopeless romantic. Its all about the little things. If you don't know what that means, well.... I'm sorry.

My health has been so out of control over the past 8 years. I would like to say 3 years since I got diagnosed but the truth is that I have been so sick for so long and I just didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. I was so exhausted all the time. My immune system has always been absolute crap. If someone has something within 1 mile of me, I'm gonna catch it, and I can guarantee I am gonna get the worst strain of it. Now I am so tired it's just ridiculous. I can barely function some days. Being awake and breathing is exhausting to me. Sometimes I really think this is a sad existence.

The only thing that kept me wanting to continue on in this life was missing for 3 years. My kids. I wanted to die on so many occasions. I wanted to give up. They are the only thing that has kept me going. The "powers that be" must have given them to me to keep me going. So happy that they came back to me last September, I don't know that I could've handled much more time without them. Every time they leave to go back to their dad's house my heart just breaks. I can't stand having them away at all.

At the same time I hate having them see me sick. I hate that I can't be the mom that I should be. I can't work hard to make money to give them the things that they should get and the things they deserve to have, or take them the places they should get to go see. They have seen me have seizures, and no kid should have to see that. My youngest tells me that he is going to be a police officer and he is going to take care of me forever. He's 10 years old. I wish he wasn't thinking about the fact that his mom needs someone to take care of her. I am so lucky to have kids that love me that much.

I have drifted off the main subject. Many people have asked me if I will ever really open up to anyone in a relationship. If I will let someone in, trust them (there's a whole 'nother issue), let them stick around. Let me put it this way... I watched a man I was in love with die. It's not something I will ever forget. It broke me. It still hurts me, I miss him every single day.

It's bad enough that my kids, and few close friends are going to end up seeing me go through this. Why would I want to put someone else through that torture? If that person would have the chance of loving someone else, having a family, being with someone who is healthy and can do everything.... then as a good person I should step aside.

Believe me, I have heard the.. "everyone dies", or "things can change with your disease", "you never know what the future holds" etc, etc. I'll tell ya what. You don't know what it's like to live in my body. You have no idea the amount of pain I am in on a daily basis, the pain that I push through and ignore. I am so good at smiling, laughing, joking around, and acting like nothing is bothering me in the slightest when people are around.
I sit on my couch and tell myself "get up and work on the piece of furniture" but I am in SO much pain, or I am so exhausted, I just can't do it. I feel like the laziest person on the face of this planet. (I used to work 80 to 90 hour work weeks) I sat on the couch today and just sobbed because I hurt so bad, I couldn't get up and work on the piece of furniture that I needed to get done for a friend. Here I am at 3:30 in the morning taking a quick break from working on that furniture. Pushing myself to do something because I'm awake so I should try, right?!? I will be paying for it all weekend. Oh well.

Once again, why would I want to subject anyone to what I go through. In the past 3 years I have dated a few people..... no one can handle my MS. They say they can, but when the chips are really down, when I'm in real pain and I need someone, they freak, or they aren't there. Anyone who also knows me well knows that it takes a lot for me to swallow my pride and ask for help. It is something that I have been learning to do over the past few years. I don't like doing it, but I have realized there are times in my life now when I have absolutely no choice in the matter. I have to ask. If I ask you for your help with something simple and you can't seem to do it. It's a surefire sign to me that you can't handle my MS. (example: you express interest in me and vice versa. I ask you to please come over and spend time with me because I am in pain and having a hard day. ((I understand real reasons)) you don't do it and/or leave me hanging, thinking its not a big deal.) If I managed to actually swallow my pride and ask for help, then I really need it.

If I am going to be with someone they are going to have to be my rock. They need to be strong, because as strong as I am spiritually, my body is giving out on me, and it hurts. I need someone who will be there for the long haul, and knows that this isn't going to be a pretty road at times. But you do get the wonderfulness of being with me. Tada! Hell, it's not like I don't have anything to offer. I am pretty fun to be around most of the time... just ask my kids.

I guess when I find that person and they show me what I need to see to open up and trust, then I will know. Otherwise it's me and my boys. And I'm really, really okay with that.

Feb 14th

*scowl* I don't like this day.

Would you like the long drawn out history? If you are reading this you are getting it. As a child I never got to celebrate it. My parents were Jehovah's Witnesses. In fact my mom tried to make it easier on me by taking me out of elementary school because they would have all day parties. But I would come back the next day and I would have thirty-some Valentines Day cards that I got to bring home and then put in the garbage. How fun as a child huh??

Then my first love comes along, and on V-day I find out he is cheating on me. Let's talk about really really putting a bad spin on a holiday........... it has always went badly..... Arguments........ Plans ruined........ Found out my exhusband was cheating on me on V-day as well.

For some reason there is never a man or woman in my life that can actually make it a decent day. It wouldn't take a whole lot. Show up at the house with rented movies, take out food, Pepsi, and just sit and cuddle and be close. Really... its that easy.

I have just come to realize that it is much easier for me to stay with my cats in the house and away from human contact so that bad things don't happen. Just for one day. For some reason 'the powers that be' have decided that V-day is should celebrate being alone. So tomorrow that's the plan.

I hope that all of you that are in love have a wonderful day making each other happy and celebrating your love.

what a mess

Am I a sensitive person? You are damn right I am. Do I wear my heart on my sleeve? You better believe I do. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a hundred times, if you are in my life then I care about you. I will do almost anything for the people I care about. The very important lesson I have learned over the years is that I absolutely will not sacrifice my health for others. Therefore if you are causing or creating drama/sadness, anxiety I can only deal with so much before I will just throw my hands up in the air and walk away. I have my own to deal with, and my body doesn’t handle it well at all. My Multiple Sclerosis flares up, and I have seizures, and I don’t need that from other peoples problems.

Maybe all of you should have a reminder of what they put me through. This is who some of you were hanging out with all day long. This is why I left the party.

---------------------------------------

broken

by Andrea Bunny Howe on Friday, November 6, 2009 at 12:22am

I keep opening my heart up to people. Only to have them hurt me. I am so tired of it. She claimed to be my best friend, that she was my sister. I shared so much with her, things I hadn't told anyone. We spent everyday together, running errands, laughing, watching stupid shows, etc. I would encourage her when things were down in her life, and she was there for me when I wasn't feeling well.

A few weeks before he came home everything changed. Her life revolved only him, what he was going to want to eat, cleaning every single bit of the house for him, etc etc etc. She was on edge and arguing with me over anything. My pain level had been through the roof so I was just trying to stay out of her way. I figured when he finally came home she would be so much better. I was so wrong.

She couldn't do anything without him. We weren't friends anymore. She didn't want to talk to me, spend time with me. All day long she would sulk and be in a bad mood, until he came home and then she would jump into this happy mood cause he was there. Really hard to deal with. I just did my own thing and figured it would pass.

Then one day in the kitchen I walk up beside her while she is making waffles to refill my coffee. She slams into me. I laugh a little and say "well excuse you" in a smart ass funny tone. She starts screaming at me, "well if you weren't so fucking rude and in the way all the time. You know you could say excuse me." I said, " you weren't standing where I was, why do I need to say excuse me I just wanted to get a cup of coffee? This kitchen isn't that big." She still yelling, " it's not just this time, its all the time, you are always rude." I said, " oh yeah, and you never get in the way, and you always say excuse me?!?! bullshit." She said "yes I do" I said, "ohhh ok, yea you are right Im wrong as usual." She said, " that's it. this conversation is over, just go to your room." I said "Of course. Can't handle the discussion so it's over. You have to scream, and then say its over. Like I said you are right and I am wrong as always." She screamed at the top of her lungs, " that's right! I'm right and I always will be cause this is my fucking house!!" I went in my room and cried for about 2 hours before I left to stay at a friends house for the day to get away from it. She didn't talk to me for days.

She started talking to me again but barely. All the while I was quietly looking for some place else to live because I at this point don't trust her any further than I can throw her. I decided that my best bet is to make myself scarse. So I spend a lot of time with my mom, and with friends, and anyone else I can so that I am not around. I wasn't eating dinner with the family or anything. So she asked me one night if I would like to eat dinner with everyone. I said yes. So I came out, ate dinner and when we were all done I got up and started to do all the dishes. In the snottiest voice you could ever imagine she said, "oh you mean for the first time in forever I don't have to do the dishes, it is a miracle." I turned around and looked at her with a puzzled look. I said, " You have got to be kidding, I do my dishes and I haven't been eating with you lately, and I clean around here all the time. " She goes, " HA! You haven't done anything around here since Mike came home. But I am not gonna fight with you." Then she stomped off to her bedroom. I was steaming and did all the dishes. Anyone who knows me, knows anything about me knows that I clean. Knows that I am OCD about cleaning. And unless I am sick I am going to be taking care of the house. I will admit that I have given up to a certain extent around here because the two of them are such filthy pigs that I cant keep up with the mess they make. But when I feel good I still try to make this place look presentable.

So when I got done with the dishes I had a little talk with him. I asked him what I did wrong, he said nothing. I asked him if he wanted me to move out, he said no. I asked him what was going on with her, he said he didn't know. We talked for awhile and he said he would talk with her.

So I waited for things to start getting better, hoped. I came home to my cat, Isis being locked in my room. The first time I asked and she said, let me get him, he told me that she was on the counter trying to get into the pumpkin bars so he had gotten after her and shut her in the bedroom. Okay. Well then I came home and she was locked up again. And then it happened again and again. I called her brother who is a good friend of mine asked him if he knew what was going on. He told me that she said she was upset about Isis getting on the counters and that's why she wasn't talking to me. She also thought that I had cast some sort of spell on her (because I am Wiccan). She was also really upset that I had a guy over to the house on a few different occasions recently that she didn't know. WTF?????

So tonight I tried to calmly talk to her about this stuff. I started by saying. "Before I moved in I let you know that Isis jumps on the counters. You told me that you didn't like that. I told you that we could use a spray bottle with water to get her off of them if it bothered you. You agreed that would be okay." She instantly went on the defense and started raising her voice. "It doesn't work when I use a water bottle. So she is gonna get locked up in your room." I said " you mean she doesn't get off the counter, I know that isn't true, cause as soon as she even sees the water bottle she runs." She said " No she keeps getting up there." I said " well I can't help that" She said " well if she is on the counter she is gonna get locked in your room." I said "okay then everytime you aren't home I am gonna let your dogs out to let them run around and piss and shit all over the house." She then came out with a piece of paper and said on or before noon on November 30th her and him want me out of the apartment.

These are the two people who promised me that they would take care of me for the rest of the years that I have to live. I looked at him and said "what exactly have I done wrong?? tell me?" He just sat there. Obviously you can tell who wears the pants in the family. She told me that none of our mutual friends like me anymore, they can see me for who I really am. (So if any of you feel that way, feel free to say how you feel or remove yourself from my friends list. Since you all know who I am talking about.)

She knows that I have stress related seizures and that I have been diagnosed with Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. Yet, she screams at me, and causes me a ton of stress. So far I havent had any seizures this week but the migraines have already started. I didn't leave an abusive relationship to come here thinking I was going to be safe to have her be verbally abusive to me.

I know that it is hard when friends live together. I know that she has stress in her life, and that she is just taking it out on me. It's not a good enough excuse. I'm not perfect, I am sure I have made mistakes, but I am and was always willing to take the blame make my amends and try to fix the problems, its all about communication and acting like an adult. She couldn't do that.

Now I just feel like it's more people who have let me down, more people I can't trust, more people who have broke my heart. I'm so tired of all of this.

Broken Part 2

by Andrea Bunny Howe on Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 3:28pm

Well very soon after I finished writing the first part of this, things got worse. Didn't think they could, but they did. She decided that everything that was in the living room needed to be put in my room immediately. I asked her to stop touching my stuff. She wouldn't listen. We are talking expensive one of kind numbered artwork. Then she brought in the scratching post, the small one that her dog continually pissed on, because he wanted to mark his territory. (another $30 down the drain.) I said " I don't want that in my room, your dog has pissed all over it, I'm not even gonna keep it, it can just stay out there until I move. " She screams " NO IT CAN"T, everything is going in your room!" I said, "the living room, dining room, and kitchen is a common living area, and until I move out at the end of the month my stuff can be out here." She screamed again, "no it can't!" I said "okay then his stuff needs to be out of my room then." Well that infuriated her, she screamed more about other things. I went to move the scratching post back out of my room and she pushed me. I fell over, onto the baby gate that kept the dogs from getting into my room which collapsed underneath me, scraped the skin off of my knee. Then I had to get back up. With my MS and no feeling in my left leg that is no small feat. She of course scampered off to her room. I went into my room shaking and crying. I called my mom, who told me to call the police.

The police came, she of course denied the whole thing, which is what I am sure she is doing with everyone. The cops showed up talked to me, talked to her. They asked her to leave the house so that I could pack and move immediately and she said she couldn't because she had to get ready for work. The cops asked if I would be the "bigger person" and leave for a few hours so she could ready and then come back and pack. I agreed. I picked up a few things in my room and left. They said it was a she said, she said situation. But it was very apparent that she had done something wrong by all the small talk she was doing and the "oh my fiance is in air force and just got back from Qatar" crap she was trying to impress them with. They said they have seen it a hundred times. Mom and I waited outside for the cops to come back out, they told us that my name would be off the lease the next day, and I could get all my stuff out that night and then be done with it.

Luckily a few very sweet friends came and helped me out that night and we got it all done in a few very short hours. So my life is all in a storage unit and in my car. Isis is now staying in a foster home with some dear friends who are taking care of her until I can find a permanent home.

What I don't understand is.. how much do you have to hate someone to throw them out into the street knowing that they are disabled, have no money, and have no where to go? I could understand saying.. "I don't think things are working out... so we would like you to look for a new place to live.. as soon as you do.. we would like you to move.. ok?" But to throw a friend who you know you have tons of mutual friends with, that you know your kids love, that you know you are going to have to see over and over again out into the street?

Doesn't it make you wonder what I could have possibly done? Well read the previous note I posted... supposedly I was confrontational and that was the biggest problem. All I know is that in the last 2 months we barely spoke to each other, so how I was confrontational is beyond me.

I know I'm not perfect. I am probably not the easiest person in the world to live with. I have my faults like everyone else. But the one thing I pride myself on is communication. If something is bothering me I really try to think about it, and then calmly sit down and talk about it with the person. It has taken me a long time to get to that point in my life where I can do that. I used to be scared to confront people. Always scared that they would yell at me, or hit me, or not believe what I was saying, or discredit my feelings. I tried talking to her, over and over and over again. I even tried talking to him, hoping that he could talk to her. Nothing worked. I talked to my therapist on Monday, told him the whole situation. He said that even though I don't have a place to live right now, and that I am couch jumping at my friends houses, he is really happy for me. He thinks it was a very unhealthy environment for me to be in. I think he is right. Even though I have been extremely stressed out. I have been happier and laughed and slept better in the past 5 days then I have in months. Maybe it is better that I left. I am sure she is happier, for now, until something else gets under her skin.

I am grateful that they took me in during a time that I needed them. I am grateful that she was there for me when I needed her. I tried my best to be a very good friend to her as well when she needed me through some very tough times.

____________________________________________

Those are old blogs. I’m sure some of you remember, some of you may not. Either way, it broke my heart, I felt horribly betrayed by people I thought were my friends and my family. I thought I could trust them. Then on top of it she decided to run around and tell people lies about me. She told people that Brian never did any of the things I said he did. She told lies to my next housemate Dani, and it enraged Dani and made her distrust me. She told people lies about the situation with my children.

Now I know that we all like to be friendly and like “everyone”. Believe me, I can play nice with people I don’t care for at places. It happens all the time, we all do it. But I will NOT go somewhere - if she will be there. It causes me too much stress. Do I seem like the kind of person that needs to have another seizure or flare-up? It’s okay, you can all have your fun doing whatever you want, where ever you want, but I don’t need that. I would NOT have showed up but I was blocked by her on Facebook and therefore couldn't see that she had rsvp'd.

So I wasted my time getting extra sleep last night, doing my hair, my makeup, making something to bring for everyone to eat, putting gas in my car, etc, etc. Have I mentioned I have no extra energy ever? And I after I pay my bills I live off of $80 every month? That would be why you don't see me out doing anything ever, I either feel like shit, or I don't have the money to do it.

I do have a question though. …….. Why? …….. If you are my friend and you care about me, why do you want to be friends with her or her fiancé? Why would you choose to even associate with her when you know she has done this to me? Do you not believe me. Would you like me to give you the police officers numbers from back then? Or would you like to call my mom? Or I could show you the scar on my knee from when she shoved me down that day. It’s still there.

Your choice, your life. I'm tired of this shit.

If one of my kids friends pulled some bullshit like this I would never let them hang out with that kid ever again. How about you?