So here I am 1:36 in the morning after having 2 of my wisdom teeth pulled. Damn this hurts. At least it is all done and over with. Pain I can handle though, I think I am more hurt emotionally. Everyone talks about how hard this is to go through. Everyone knows that I am single and that I live by myself. Yet no one offers to come and be with me today. I know its during the week. I know its Thanksgiving week. All complications. Then I think... wow, I have thrown clothes on and dropped everything for so many of my friends. (I have a few friends who are losing their parents right now... that's a bit different as well) And the men who have shown interest in me...haha, unless they are out of town, they have no excuse at all. Funny enough I have one friend who is offering to come spend time with me tomorrow. Someone I grew up with, someone I haven't seen in 16 years, kind of strange, but it will be nice to see him, if he actually shows up. Haha, I am not holding my breath.

I am really hoping that this has come full circle now. This seems to be a year full of loss and heartache for me.

September 2010 - I lost two people I considered some of my closest friends. My mother wrote them a letter because she was concerned about my health. They wrote her back and she got really upset. It got very heated between my friends and I. After things settled a bit, I tried to apologize for my mistakes, but apologies weren't good enough. I had considered these people my family. When they added "the rapist" to their facebook page it was pretty much a kick to the face. They knew full well that would mean I would be gone, and I have been.

Oct 2010 - After going on my first vacation in years, my mother decides to loose the last piece of her sanity. (she didn't have much to start with) She then writes me a letter and tells me that she is no longer a mother or a nana. She also states that I am no longer allowed anywhere she is whether that be her house, the hospital, or her funeral.

....... holidays without my children..... .. yeah, that's always grand no matter what year it is...........

Spring 2011 - guy I am talking to ad very very interested in suddenly dies of a brain aneurysm.

Spring 2011 - my best female friend (8 years) and exgirlfriend decides she can't talk to me anymore. Why? Because she is too in love with me, and it hurts to be an everyday part of my life, but not be my girlfriend. I've been lost ever since. Every time something exciting happens the first person I want to call is her, that's who I have always called. Now I can't. When I'm hurt I want to call her, I can't.

July 2011 - "the rapist" gets his name because he rapes someone, .......not just someone, someone I love. As if it wasn't bad enough when I just called him scumbag, or ass-hat. Because the government is a piece of shit and they can't do anything in a timely manner.... DNA is still in process. No worries though he will be prosecuted.

August 2011 - I love to do nice things for my friends. I pick up some items for a friend's daughter while garage saleing. (by friend's request) I also get a Cuisinart Grind and Brew that is like brand new for $40.00. So I call and give first dibbs to friends with daughter, $40.00 for coffeemaker (no profit for me, even though that's my business... and $10.00 for the clothes I picked up which included a brand new Columbia jacket) Yes they want it, they say. They pick it up the next day, but don't pay me. Big problem for me. I don't own a money tree. I let them know it is very important for me to get the money. So they tell me I will get it soon. Days pass, nothing. I ask again, now 5 days since they picked it up, she says I sent it in the mail today. (grr okay I only live 15 miles from you) That was 7 days ago. I still have not received the money. It has now been 12 days, and they sent cash in the mail. I missed a job that paid me $35.00 cash because I had no gas, told them about it the day before. They didn't seem to care. Told them I had no gas, no milk, no bread. They didn't care.... I told them today it was time to either pay me or bring back the stuff. No response. The male of the relationship has been my friend for years....

Yesterday - My male friend whom I am extremelely close to IM's me... and starts acting very strange. He started off by telling me what to do. Which doesn't sit well with me, ever. Then he acted like a jealous boyfriend when I told him I had a man at my house... who was just a friend. And I explained that very clearly. He then told me I'm not fun anymore, and that I am a waste of his time, that I was annoying, and plenty of other hurtful things. I just kept saying to him please stop, please. I finally shut of my computer. I was crying so hard. So I write him an email to let him know how he made me feel. The response I get the next day is "yes I am a dick. That's all I can say in response. I'm working on it, have been for years.. sorry." So we start talking through IM again, and somehow it gets turned around back on me and I have issues. This is the first man who has treated me even half of the way I should be treated. I have put trust in him, he has always been there when I need him, and vice versa. He totally just destroyed it between last night and today.

So here I am looking at this last year..... maybe these people were in the wrong, maybe they are toxic and they shouldn't be in my life. But look at the one common denominator... me. Maybe I am the problem, these are people I have had in my life for years. I trusted these people. If they were bad people all these years, and I shouldn't have given them my trust, opened my life up to them. Then how can I be sure about anyone?

I don't think I trust myself anymore. I really honestly think I must not be a very good friend. If it was just one person, I could let it go, maybe even two. But this isn't a very good track record....

So go ahead post on here.. tell me what bothers you about me. Whatever I've ever done to wrong you. Might as well get it off your chest, I'm giving everyone the opportunity right now.

Reflection

It seems that lately I have been reflecting a lot without even trying to. I know that Mercury was in retrograde earlier this month. The purpose of Mercury retrograde is to review and revise our life and our connection with reality. So I suppose it only makes sense. The universe is just making me deal with things whether I want to or not.

I hear songs that are incredibly important in my life. They just pull my heartstrings. Normally when I hear these songs I can just keep going. Right now, I burst into tears or it takes everything I have not to burst into tears.

I am having a really hard time being around people if they are overly negative. Not for the normal reason that its just a pain in the ass to deal with but because it is actually physically/mentally draining me. Now if I am not feeling well, I can't handle being around anyone that I don't know and therefore don't trust. I don't think I can even explain how it feels to be not feeling well, and then be around people. It's like I can feel all their negativity and emotions, and I don't have the energy and focus to block it out. Sometimes its just taxing to go to the grocery store when I don't feel good, because of all the emotions of people everywhere. Sounds strange, I know.


When I came home tonight I sat outside at looked up at the full moon. I asked the universe, the gods and goddesses what they were trying to tell me. What they were trying to make me aware of.



Here's one other odd thing.... I seen a woman tonight that I was actually VERY attracted to tonight. I get that "yeah she's cute thing"... I've felt that for years with women. But I haven't been attracted to a woman like this since my ex-girlfriend. That was 5 years ago. I honestly wanted to go up to this woman and just look her deep in the eyes and kiss her. I actually want to know who she is. I am interested in who she is as a person.
That's not at all like me anymore.......

Coma

It's very strange. I think my heart has been dead for a long time. Okay maybe it's not dead. Maybe it's in a coma, from all the shock. In the process of this coma I have built up this amazing stronghold around it. First it was just a little fence, then it turned into a brick wall, then I added a moat, put extra locks on the doors, I kept adding to the security every time some one managed to put another break in my heart. The problem is people don't break in, I let them in. Damn me for wanting to believe in people so much. I really do believe deep down that they are someone good, and then, they find the one thing that can hurt me the most and use it against me.

I think back clearly now and I realize that I was never truly "in love" with B. He was always a shithead, he never treated me well. Why in the hell did I put up with that? Oh wait, I know. Because I was still completely broken from breaking up with Jen. I was still traumatized from the rape. Being with him was easier than being alone, at least in the beginning.

These feelings are all stirred up in my head right now because I felt something I haven't felt in a really long time last night..... a connection.

It was more than that though, I was with a guy friend. and we sat talking for hours and hours. Which was so nice. We talked about anything and everything. We curled up to watch a movie. ("Invictus" slow moving but pretty creepy) He didn't act like the typical guy though, grinding his hardon into my back and grabbing my tits within 5 minutes. He just held my hand and ran his fingers on my lower arm. About an hour went by and he kissed lightly on my neck, and then my shoulder. Which he continued to do (I of course paused the movie at some point).

Even when we moved into the bedroom to be more comfortable he continued to kiss on my neck and shoulders and my ears. When our lips actually met each others I thought we were going to actually devour each other, it was so incredibly passionate. The kind of kisses that take your breath away.

So here is me at the same time thinking, big fucking deal! so what! there is some passion, he is still just like every other guy, he just wants to fuck me. Surprisingly enough that wasn't the case. We never did have sex, which was really nice. I ended up passed out on his chest. I woke up and tried to move and in his sleep he pushed me head back down on his chest, several times (guess I didn't get to move, lol).

It wasn't mushy in the morning. I got up, he got up, we went about our business, talked about seeing each other again this week. I'm not getting my hopes up in the slightest. I know better than that.

I know that my heart hasn't come out of its coma, but it was nice to feel some passion for the first time in 5 years or so. I've missed it. I missed having someone hold me, and actually really want to hold me, without ulterior motives. I felt safe.

there will never be a real answer

When you have something you really love but it cause you so much problems and pain, is it either the universe telling you to leave it or testing you to hold it?

How many times have any of us had to ask ourselves that question? I have had to ask myself that one too many times. I have held on to the bitter end on so many occasions just to end up battered and bruised with an even more broken heart than I would've had if I'd have just left. But I'm so stubborn if I don't exhaust it to that point, I always wonder what might have been if I had just tried "this" or "that". Hell, even after I still think if I would've just done "this" or "that" differently it probably would've been better.

The question ends up being how much are you willing to take? How much can you take before you just can't take anymore? I know it is different limits for all of us. Five years ago, I would've put up with a lot more than what I put up with now. Ten years ago I would have put up with just about anything, and did. We won't even go back to how stupid I was fifteen years ago. I have become such a strong independent woman. I have been battling this disease, (with a few friends) but for the most part on my own. I have been doing things just for me. And when someone doesn't treat me the way I deserve to be treated, I don't keep them in my life. So being that person, why in the world would I want to keep any negativity in my life? Why would I want someone in my life that is bringing me problems and pain, even if I really love them? It's hard to know what the universe is really trying to tell me because it is such a good question.

I will revert back to one of my favorite quotes..... "no man is worth your tears, and if he is... he will never make you cry"

Betrayal comes haunting

It probably shouldn't bother me but it does. For about 10 years of my life I was extremely close with my best friend. We lived a block and a half from each other. We considered each other sisters. I called her mom and dad, mom and dad. They took care of me throughout my teenage years, way better than my own parents did. We went through everything together.
Now we all know that when you are close friends you don't sleep with each others ex's, or even date for that matter. Especially when it was one of the others "big loves".
Now plenty of her ex's had approached me over the years and I never even thought of doing that to her. She was my sister. I could never betray her that way. Even know when we haven't spoken in well over 6 to 7 years, I could still never do that to her.
Tonight I found out that she had no problem doing that to me. I found out that she decided to sleep with my ex when him and I were broken up but yet her and I were still friends. She never told me that. In fact she never, and I mean never had a nice thing to say about this guy.
I feel very betrayed. I know that I wasn't with him and that by all rights both of them had any right to do anything they wanted to do. But what about that rule, that you don't sleep with your friends ex's?
Maybe I shouldn't be, but I am hurt.

#9 The Transition

I have never had such an odd transition of going from single to a relationship. I don't know if it is because I was single for so long, or what exactly happened this time. I had more people in my life that I considered friends, that actually got mad at me when I told them that I was in a relationship. Their reasoning.....they thought we had "something" going. One of them I was incredibly clear with, that we absolutely could NOT have a relationship. In fact I had said it over and over again. Another one had never even asked me on a date, so how the hell was I supposed to know? Another one, hadn't talked to me in a month and a half. Yes, we had went on a few dates, but when you don't hear from someone anymore, you figure its over. Right? His excuse, he got shipped to Texas for Army stuff. Well I guess I am supposed to just know that huh? Never felt a spark with him anyways. It's just been odd.
I thought that when your friends were extremely happy and falling in love you were supposed to be happy for them. When I date a guy/girl and we end up just being friends after wards, I am really happy when he/she meets someone. I want him/her to be happy.

I don't know I just think that good friends are hard to come by, and I am not willing to throw people away that easily, so I don't really understand why other people are.

#8 When is enough enough?

I am not personally in this position right now but I have been in the past. So when is enough a enough in a relationship?

So your significant other cheats on you. Should you leave? Its a complete betrayal of trust. But you love them. Hmmm
Wait. You've been with them for years? Should you leave, that's a lot of history.
Wait. Its not just cheating, they are lying about things, and this isn't the first time its happened. Should you leave?
Wait. They are so good with the kids. Jeez, there are kids involved. That's gonna mess everything up. Should you leave??

When is enough enough? Just because you have kids with somebody and you have years invested with them does that mean that you should put up with being treated like dirt? Absolutely not. When you love someone does that give them the right to use you do what they want knowing that you will just stick by their side? Absolutely not.

We all need to learn to have some self respect. No one deserves to be treated badly. I'm not saying that people don't make mistakes. BUT you have to learn from your mistakes. Seek counseling, take the necessary steps, and fix the problem.

#7 Snuggling

This needs to be said. Snuggling is not the green light for sex. Just because I want to snuggle with you does not mean that I want to have sex with you. I do realize that being close to my incredibly sexy body turns you on, but sometimes it is just about being close to someone. Sometimes being that close to someone makes me feel safe or is helping me connect with them on a deeper level. If you have to turn it into sex every single time then I will assume you have the maturity level of an 8th grade boy, and I really can't handle that.

#6 Catch Up

**Oh how I have ignored you my darling blog... I'm sorry.... I promise to be more faithful.**



So as I sit and dream about romance, how things should be, the way I want to and should be treated. BOOM! There he is, this wonderful man walks into my life, sweeps me completely and totally off of my feet. I was completely "in like" with him. Then, as if by some cruel joke from the universe to say "haha, yep "it" exists and you can't have it!!!"..... about two weeks ago he died suddenly of a brain aneurysm. I've been so broken.... I don't really have much more to say about that.


With my broken-ness I have lost a lot of my filter once again, well it's either that or people are really pushing my buttons. Conversation with my friend/ex didn't go so well last night... she decided to tell me some things she had been doing that I wasn't exactly proud of her for. In fact it goes against everything I hate. She admitted to me that she had spent the past three days sleeping with a woman who was in a relationship. So she was helping someone cheat. As far as I am concerned, you are just as bad as a cheater at that point. You are doing something that will at some point hurt someone. Most likely break their heart. Why would you ever want to bring that kind of karma onto yourself? So I somewhat told her my disgust with that. But not to strongly... I held back a great deal, although, I think she would beg to differ. Then she started going on and on and being jaded about love. Being mad because nobody wanted to be in a relationship with her. I started to angry with her again. Didn't talk to her much longer because she had to go.

I had almost 24 hours to think about it. Which may or may not have been a good thing. We all have our reasons to be jaded about love. I am 31 years old, been married and divorced, been cheated on, been abused emotionally and physically, abandoned, been to my best friend and soulmates funeral and thought about that every single day for 9 years....... C'mon, we all have our reasons.
After all that thought, she made the mistake of messaging me and asking me why I get so mad at her when she gets down about love. In which I said "You are just acting ridiculous. I have been through just as much shit as you. Life is what you make of it. You can either go around whining about it. Or pick up your big girl panties, be thankful for what you DO have, and move along. "
... A few more messages went back and forth, I know she isn't happy with me now. I am not trying to be a Mega-Bitch by any means. Sometimes things just have to be said.

#5 Let's dig in a bit

So I've realized there should be some sort of standards on how you treat an individual when you are looking to date.
I'm not some crazy old fashioned thinker that thinks you need to take me to a fancy restaurant and show up at the door with flowers, etc etc. C'mon let's get real, in this economy most of us don't have the money for that, and why would you want to spend that kind of money on someone you don't even know. If you like her, I think that bringing her a flower is a nice touch. Taking her out to eat somewhere is nice too, but it doesn't have to be over the top. Women just appreciate the gesture. Sometimes ordering in, with a movie at home on the couch is even better.
Try to make time in your schedule to see her at least once a week. If you go more than a week without seeing her, and you don't have an good excuse like vacation, you have just proved to her that you really aren't into her.

Let me give you a great example:
I get together with "a guy" and everything goes great. We spend hours talking. No awkward silences. The next day we even talked through text through out the whole day. He expresses how much he enjoyed his time with me and says he likes me. Which was nice, I liked him too. Then besides talking through IM and text, I didn't see him for almost 3 weeks. Then he has all these stories to tell me about the women he has been dating in the meanwhile. But ends the night by telling me how much he likes me again.....................
Too little, too late. With this one I was even upfront enough to tell him that I liked him and I wanted to see him on one of his days off. By him not making time for me in all of that time that passed, it just proved to me, that I wasn't important in the slightest to him. Why would I want a man like that for my partner?

Men need to remember that women are thinking that. Would I want him to be with me for the rest of my life? ..... they should act accordingly.... Then again so should some women.

#4 The typical questions

So it seems that the same questions get asked over and over again in the beginning of dating. I realize that its the best way to get to know someone but there has got to be a better way to ask them. For instance this is the way a typical email or conversation goes: "So tell me more about yourself. How old are you? Do you have any kids? Ever been married? What are you looking for? What do you like to do for fun? "

Ugh... I have memorized my responses.

I know these are critical things to know... but what about starting off with "what's your favorite book?" "if you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go and why?", be interesting is all I am saying... let those other questions come out as they will. There should be a natural vibe when you talk to someone, and it's hard to have that when it starts out with the most boring conversation that has been had over and over again.

#3 Happy New Years

Happy New Year

So my kiss at midnight was given to me by loves, Nefertiti and Isis. Yes I know kind of pathetic, but at the same time, they are the two who stick by my side through everything. When I am sick they are here to comfort me, and they make me laugh daily. Who could ask for better company on NYE. Okay so I could but I will take what I can get.

"No man or woman is worth your tears, when you find the one who is they will never make you cry."~Unknown

Ok so here's lesson or rule #1 any man or woman who says they are interested in me, but can't make the time in their oh so busy schedule for me..... well I'm just not that into them, plain and simple.