sleeping to dream

sleeping to dream about you
and I'm so tired
of having to live without you
and I'm so tired

It's just a little a lullaby to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night
Oh just a lullabye to keep from crying myself to sleep
Oh just a, just oh, just a little lullabye,

Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
And I'm so tired

Well I'm so, I'm tired
I'm falling, I'm so tired, I'm so tired




lyrics by Jason Mraz

It isn't my problem, or my issue but I feel so crushed. You were out of my life, although I thought about you, you were gone. So you walk back into my life, we are just going to be friends, and I am okay with that. Then you decide to tell me that you have missed me, and that you love me. You tell me that you want a wife and a mom for M and when you think about that, I am always the one who comes to mind.  So after talking you say you want to spend time with me. We make plans, you cancel. We make more plans, you cancel again. You don't make plans with me again.
We keep flirting, invitations go back and forth. Nothing happens. We get together one night. My boys meet you. You kiss me at the end of the night. The next day you ask me to be your date at a movie premiere. I tell you that you would have to pick me up. You tell me you will call me back in a little while and let me know. I never hear back from you.
Now do I have a right to be mad, be bitter? Hell yes. Am I? No. I just let it go, because I love you. Stupid mistake on my part. I just open the door to let you hurt me again. So I just continue to be your friend. Why? Because I told you I would be your friend no matter what. So then you just have to make some sexual comments towards me again. So I say something back to you, and we start talking. I finally bring it up. I tell you how I feel.
I love you, and you admit to love me. I like my life better when you are in it, and vice versa. We like the same things. We make each other smile. My kids like you, and your daughter likes me. We have amazing sex. We are incredibly attracted to each other.
But because you are scared of being hurt again you won't pursue anything with me........

Even though I have never did anything to hurt you. You have continually hurt me, and I stuck around. Looks like I am a complete glutton for punishment. Friends, yes, but my heart is no longer involved.

Dark Side

Dark Side

There's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away

Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond
From black dust
It's hard to know
What can become
If you give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Don't run away
Don't run away
Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Don't run away
Don't run away
Just promise me you will stay
Promise me you will stay

Will you love me? ohh

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Don't run away
Don't run away

Don't run away
Promise you'll stay

Video

~by Kelly Clarkson



I love the words to this song, it speaks to me, as so many of her songs do. 

I don't know how to be anyone other than who I am.... I refuse to change for anyone. I sure as hell am not going to sit around and let anyone treat me badly or make me feel insignificant.

Let me remind those of you who read this of a few things. I am an incredible, intelligent, loving, person. It has taken me a long time to realize and appreciate these things about myself, but I do and I won't let anyone downplay it. I have had friends that don't appreciate my friendship and that turned out to be hurtful and untrustworthy. I have 'partners' that were the same.

Let's talk about my most recent experience. I start talking to a man. He says incredibly beautiful and wonderful things to me. Anything and everything I could ever hope to hear. He seems to be almost a perfect fit. Right off the bat we talk about how important communication is to both of us. We are completely honest about everything. (Or at least I am, I can only be accountable for what I say.) I am enjoying time with him, I am comfortable with him, I feel safe with him. It's been awhile to say the least.

Mistake #1 - He makes plans with me for my birthday and then cancels on me at about 8pm. Too late for me to make other plans. I had my makeup on, nails done, house cleaned, was all pretty, just to see him. I spent the rest of the night crying. The next day was Mother's Day, I didn't get to see my kids. I sat all alone that day as well. (Now he was with his mother, so it was family stuff, and I dropped it.)

Mistake #2 - It is now May 29th, my birthday was May 12th...... he never did anything for my birthday. never brought me a dandelion he picked from the lawn. Never picked up a card at Walmart or the gas station. He is an incredible artist, he could've just drew me a picture. Nothing.

Mistake #3 - He told me on several occasions that he liked to stay in contact and let me know what was going on in his life in the first week and a half. He always said "good night", he always talked to me throughout the day. It has gotten to be less and less. To me that says, you don't think of me that often, you don't want to talk to me, and you just aren't that into me. I don't need constant contact, I am not that needy. But I do like to hear from my guy once in awhile. I like to know that I am on his mind.

Mistake #4 - He decides not to return my phone calls or texts before he leaves out of town for Memorial Day weekend. Then while out of town, he manages to post status messages, and answer what people write on his statuses, but he doesn't write back to me, call me, or text me back. I communicate with him that this is upsetting to me. I still don't hear from him.


I am a grown ass woman. I have 2 children. I have a disease that attacks my body every single fucking day. I have enough problems. I want a partner in my life, someone who will be by my side. Someone who WANTS to be there. Someone who adores me, who can't stand to not talk to me, or not be around me.

I really liked this guy........ I thought he was decent and good................. Actions speak louder than words, and I won't let someone treat me this way. I'm better than that.

......

He came over tonight and it was different. I could feel something from him I didn't like, it overwhelmed my senses. I have been feeling him pulling away.... and when he is there and close and saying beautiful things to me... it's such a contradiction. It hurts, I wish he would just talk - just tell me what's going on.
I burst into tears on his shoulder. I can see whats going on... he is walking away... Just like every other one. He said tonight,  "I promise I will never hurt you." In that one moment I felt safe and secure, but I've already started doubting him. He caused that by the way he has been acting. I've always said actions speak louder than words. He said to me that he was going to come and see me tomorrow, I knew he wasn't. I could feel  it was a lie whether he knew it was or not. I don't know what's going on, but I don't like it.

How does this work....

So everyone says "Don't fall in love too fast. Protect your heart. We don't want to see you get hurt like you have been in the past."

That is a nice thought, but how do you do that? You can be careful in who you date and who you get close to. You can try not to give too much of yourself too quickly. But when you find someone that you absolutely adore, someone that you can tell is a kindred spirit. When you look in their eyes you know that through and through they are a good person.

It's true I haven't been lucky in love in the past 33 years. But how can you find love if you don't take a chance? 

Things are changing...

Things seem to be changing ... finally. At least for now I have been given hope that 'they' are listening to me. I have been at my wits end and I ready to break. I started to wonder how much more I could endure. Disappointments one after the other, after the other. It's been tough. Stress isn't good for my MS, it isn't good for my seizures, it sure as hell isn't good for depression.
I've had a few really good supportive people, who checked in on me, who called just to see how I was.... When your depression is really bad, and everything is overwhelming, that means the world. Anything that reduces just a tiny bit of that stress, helps so much.  .... My Adopted Mom, has helped me so much. I couldn't repay her in a million years. Just with little rides to the grocery store or letting me borrow her car for a few hours. Bawling out the Hopkins Jeep Dealership for screwing with me..... My Dad has ran across the cities for me for little tiny things so many times in the last 7 and a half weeks.. plus borrowed me a bit of money........My dear sweet friend Maz who has listened to me so many times, day in and day out, talking about everything. I don't know what I would do without her....Kim, Crys, Emily, Rob, you were always there anytime I needed to talk. Thanks.   Well and of course my Superhero Tim who contacted The 30 Days Foundation who helped me get the cylinder head for my Jeep. And Ian my adorable mechanic who has spent so much time working on my car.  

It's not just my car.. although that working again, makes a big difference. Things are changing, and for the better. At least the bad things are becoming a bit more manageable.