I don't know how to be anyone other than who I am.... I refuse to change for anyone. I sure as hell am not going to sit around and let anyone treat me badly or make me feel insignificant.

Let me remind those of you who read this of a few things. I am an incredible, intelligent, loving, person. It has taken me a long time to realize and appreciate these things about myself, but I do and I won't let anyone downplay it. I have had friends that don't appreciate my friendship and that turned out to be hurtful and untrustworthy. I have 'partners' that were the same.

Let's talk about my most recent experience. I start talking to a man. He says incredibly beautiful and wonderful things to me. Anything and everything I could ever hope to hear. He seems to be almost a perfect fit. Right off the bat we talk about how important communication is to both of us. We are completely honest about everything. (Or at least I am, I can only be accountable for what I say.) I am enjoying time with him, I am comfortable with him, I feel safe with him. It's been awhile to say the least.

Mistake #1 - He makes plans with me for my birthday and then cancels on me at about 8pm. Too late for me to make other plans. I had my makeup on, nails done, house cleaned, was all pretty, just to see him. I spent the rest of the night crying. The next day was Mother's Day, I didn't get to see my kids. I sat all alone that day as well. (Now he was with his mother, so it was family stuff, and I dropped it.)

Mistake #2 - It is now May 29th, my birthday was May 12th...... he never did anything for my birthday. never brought me a dandelion he picked from the lawn. Never picked up a card at Walmart or the gas station. He is an incredible artist, he could've just drew me a picture. Nothing.

Mistake #3 - He told me on several occasions that he liked to stay in contact and let me know what was going on in his life in the first week and a half. He always said "good night", he always talked to me throughout the day. It has gotten to be less and less. To me that says, you don't think of me that often, you don't want to talk to me, and you just aren't that into me. I don't need constant contact, I am not that needy. But I do like to hear from my guy once in awhile. I like to know that I am on his mind.

Mistake #4 - He decides not to return my phone calls or texts before he leaves out of town for Memorial Day weekend. Then while out of town, he manages to post status messages, and answer what people write on his statuses, but he doesn't write back to me, call me, or text me back. I communicate with him that this is upsetting to me. I still don't hear from him.


I am a grown ass woman. I have 2 children. I have a disease that attacks my body every single fucking day. I have enough problems. I want a partner in my life, someone who will be by my side. Someone who WANTS to be there. Someone who adores me, who can't stand to not talk to me, or not be around me.

I really liked this guy........ I thought he was decent and good................. Actions speak louder than words, and I won't let someone treat me this way. I'm better than that.

......

He came over tonight and it was different. I could feel something from him I didn't like, it overwhelmed my senses. I have been feeling him pulling away.... and when he is there and close and saying beautiful things to me... it's such a contradiction. It hurts, I wish he would just talk - just tell me what's going on.
I burst into tears on his shoulder. I can see whats going on... he is walking away... Just like every other one. He said tonight,  "I promise I will never hurt you." In that one moment I felt safe and secure, but I've already started doubting him. He caused that by the way he has been acting. I've always said actions speak louder than words. He said to me that he was going to come and see me tomorrow, I knew he wasn't. I could feel  it was a lie whether he knew it was or not. I don't know what's going on, but I don't like it.

How does this work....

So everyone says "Don't fall in love too fast. Protect your heart. We don't want to see you get hurt like you have been in the past."

That is a nice thought, but how do you do that? You can be careful in who you date and who you get close to. You can try not to give too much of yourself too quickly. But when you find someone that you absolutely adore, someone that you can tell is a kindred spirit. When you look in their eyes you know that through and through they are a good person.

It's true I haven't been lucky in love in the past 33 years. But how can you find love if you don't take a chance? 

Things are changing...

Things seem to be changing ... finally. At least for now I have been given hope that 'they' are listening to me. I have been at my wits end and I ready to break. I started to wonder how much more I could endure. Disappointments one after the other, after the other. It's been tough. Stress isn't good for my MS, it isn't good for my seizures, it sure as hell isn't good for depression.
I've had a few really good supportive people, who checked in on me, who called just to see how I was.... When your depression is really bad, and everything is overwhelming, that means the world. Anything that reduces just a tiny bit of that stress, helps so much.  .... My Adopted Mom, has helped me so much. I couldn't repay her in a million years. Just with little rides to the grocery store or letting me borrow her car for a few hours. Bawling out the Hopkins Jeep Dealership for screwing with me..... My Dad has ran across the cities for me for little tiny things so many times in the last 7 and a half weeks.. plus borrowed me a bit of money........My dear sweet friend Maz who has listened to me so many times, day in and day out, talking about everything. I don't know what I would do without her....Kim, Crys, Emily, Rob, you were always there anytime I needed to talk. Thanks.   Well and of course my Superhero Tim who contacted The 30 Days Foundation who helped me get the cylinder head for my Jeep. And Ian my adorable mechanic who has spent so much time working on my car.  

It's not just my car.. although that working again, makes a big difference. Things are changing, and for the better. At least the bad things are becoming a bit more manageable.