September 2010 - I lost two people I considered some of my closest friends. My mother wrote them a letter because she was concerned about my health. They wrote her back and she got really upset. It got very heated between my friends and I. After things settled a bit, I tried to apologize for my mistakes, but apologies weren't good enough. I had considered these people my family. When they added "the rapist" to their facebook page it was pretty much a kick to the face. They knew full well that would mean I would be gone, and I have been.
Oct 2010 - After going on my first vacation in years, my mother decides to loose the last piece of her sanity. (she didn't have much to start with) She then writes me a letter and tells me that she is no longer a mother or a nana. She also states that I am no longer allowed anywhere she is whether that be her house, the hospital, or her funeral.
....... holidays without my children..... .. yeah, that's always grand no matter what year it is...........
Spring 2011 - guy I am talking to ad very very interested in suddenly dies of a brain aneurysm.
Spring 2011 - my best female friend (8 years) and exgirlfriend decides she can't talk to me anymore. Why? Because she is too in love with me, and it hurts to be an everyday part of my life, but not be my girlfriend. I've been lost ever since. Every time something exciting happens the first person I want to call is her, that's who I have always called. Now I can't. When I'm hurt I want to call her, I can't.
July 2011 - "the rapist" gets his name because he rapes someone, .......not just someone, someone I love. As if it wasn't bad enough when I just called him scumbag, or ass-hat. Because the government is a piece of shit and they can't do anything in a timely manner.... DNA is still in process. No worries though he will be prosecuted.
August 2011 - I love to do nice things for my friends. I pick up some items for a friend's daughter while garage saleing. (by friend's request) I also get a Cuisinart Grind and Brew that is like brand new for $40.00. So I call and give first dibbs to friends with daughter, $40.00 for coffeemaker (no profit for me, even though that's my business... and $10.00 for the clothes I picked up which included a brand new Columbia jacket) Yes they want it, they say. They pick it up the next day, but don't pay me. Big problem for me. I don't own a money tree. I let them know it is very important for me to get the money. So they tell me I will get it soon. Days pass, nothing. I ask again, now 5 days since they picked it up, she says I sent it in the mail today. (grr okay I only live 15 miles from you) That was 7 days ago. I still have not received the money. It has now been 12 days, and they sent cash in the mail. I missed a job that paid me $35.00 cash because I had no gas, told them about it the day before. They didn't seem to care. Told them I had no gas, no milk, no bread. They didn't care.... I told them today it was time to either pay me or bring back the stuff. No response. The male of the relationship has been my friend for years....
Yesterday - My male friend whom I am extremelely close to IM's me... and starts acting very strange. He started off by telling me what to do. Which doesn't sit well with me, ever. Then he acted like a jealous boyfriend when I told him I had a man at my house... who was just a friend. And I explained that very clearly. He then told me I'm not fun anymore, and that I am a waste of his time, that I was annoying, and plenty of other hurtful things. I just kept saying to him please stop, please. I finally shut of my computer. I was crying so hard. So I write him an email to let him know how he made me feel. The response I get the next day is "yes I am a dick. That's all I can say in response. I'm working on it, have been for years.. sorry." So we start talking through IM again, and somehow it gets turned around back on me and I have issues. This is the first man who has treated me even half of the way I should be treated. I have put trust in him, he has always been there when I need him, and vice versa. He totally just destroyed it between last night and today.
So here I am looking at this last year..... maybe these people were in the wrong, maybe they are toxic and they shouldn't be in my life. But look at the one common denominator... me. Maybe I am the problem, these are people I have had in my life for years. I trusted these people. If they were bad people all these years, and I shouldn't have given them my trust, opened my life up to them. Then how can I be sure about anyone?
I don't think I trust myself anymore. I really honestly think I must not be a very good friend. If it was just one person, I could let it go, maybe even two. But this isn't a very good track record....
So go ahead post on here.. tell me what bothers you about me. Whatever I've ever done to wrong you. Might as well get it off your chest, I'm giving everyone the opportunity right now.
1 comment:
Honestly, the only problem i am seeing is that you're blaming yourself for other peoples short-comings. I have known you for 5 years, and i don't know of a single thing i dislike about you. You are strong, in many ways. You stand up for what you believe in. You love fully, or not at all. You have the take it or leave it kind of personality i wish i had. You are a role model to me. I was afraid to call you that night, but i had to. I was afraid to tell you what happened. I was afraid of how badly i was going to get reamed, but i knew, regardless of how disappointed you were, you were still going to be there and hold my hand... Because, that's the kind of person you are! We all trust a little too much, and we all get dissappointed for it! But, THAT doesn't make YOU a bad person! A little foolish, but not bad!
I love you, for everything you are. And for those who can't, well, they know where they can go.
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